Twice as Good to Get Half as Much

Today was a very interesting day. I was actually contemplating on if I would post this or not. I wrote this in my journal first because I opted not to blog it. But then as I continue to write I realized that this does need to be blogged and seen by others who wear the mask. I am a very personal and private person. I know I put my entire life on social media, whether it is where I am or the things I am doing. However, I am very personal and private when it comes to my true self. Also, I am a guy so I don't share my feelings a lot. But I was compelled to blog this journal entry because it resonated deeply within my soul. I know that it will reach others and possibly explain why I am the way I am. 

I had a conversation with one of my colleagues and she asked me, "How often do you adjust with any condition? "Will  you be able to hang around poor people without feeling sorry for them and adjust without making them feel that they are poor?" Immediately, I was taken aback by her statement. She didn't realize how deep her question was to me. It threw me into a tail spin of questions where I critically analyzed myself, my actions, and my life. I began to think, "Was it something I said? Did I do something? What makes you think I am rich?" She added to question with "are you the type of American who likes expensive food, drinks, and clothes?" 

So there I was thinking and reflecting on all of my life's experiences and thought I'm not privileged and I don't come from an affluent background. Yet, something had to have sparked in her to ask those questions. What was it? Of course, I come from America. That impression of privilege and affluence is given for a developing country. The American Dream is alive in the eyes of those in developing countries. What else? I was blessed to obtain an education at the university level and  then I joined the Peace Corps. But that doesn't say to me that I am privileged. I joined to give back. I desire to be "one with the people" and join in solidarity with Africa and her struggles, in particular, Namibia. 

As I stated, I do not come from what I think is a privileged background. On the contrary, I grew up with the mantra which states: "You have to be twice as good to get half as much." The comment from my colleague made me think of this statement I heard growing up. The phrase is deeply rooted in the backwaters of the Mississippi to the Red Hills of Georgia. It is a vestige of Jim Crow segregation where African Americans believed that in order to sit at the front of the bus one would have to be twice as good. This motto is something that almost every African American of my generation and before has heard when they got in trouble, brought home a bad grade, didn't pass an exam, or didn't practice enough to win the "big" game in basketball or football. The stern look of every African American parent to their child: "You know if you want to make it in America, you have to be twice as good to get half as much." This charged motto may not be true for everyone but it was for me. I always thought that I was wasn't smart enough, fast enough, strong enough or tough enough to "make it." I didn't go to the best schools or get the best test scores. But what I did have was a strong military family who believed in my success and gave me the desire and willpower to go to college. 

It was through education that I realized I had a way out. It was a way for me to make it. In college I always joked that education was my side hustle. If I wasn't smart enough, I would hustle my way to be the best. I had to work harder, work smarter, arrive early, and leave late. I pushed myself. I networked with everyone and got the connections I wanted. I built relationships with key stakeholders. The crowning achievement of my tenacious work ethic was when I received Morgan State University's President's Second Mile Award which goes to the student who goes the second mile in student affairs. For lack of better words, it goes to the student who overachieves. But after our conversation, I thought to myself, "The twice as good motto is such a facade!" If we continue with the racially charged twice as good motto we will forfeit our ability to reach and touch the lives of the poor, the destitute, and the lame. Although I've held to the "twice as good" motto and it is sketched in my upbringing, I need to let it GO! It will limit the people that I will be able to reach here in Africa. 

I am reminded of what Jesus said in Luke 4:18-19, "The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." In this passage, Jesus has come for the poor. He sits with the sinners, the harlots, and the tax collectors. Not with the saints or the rich but he sat with the poor, the meek, and the humble.

This conversation also reminded me of the Paul Lawrence Dunbar's "We Wear the Mask." 

  WE wear the mask that grins and lies, 

    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—      This debt we pay to human guile;      With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,      And mouth with myriad subtleties.
    In counting all our tears and sighs? 
    Nay, let them only see us, while 
            We wear the mask.
    To thee from tortured souls arise. 
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile 
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile; 
    But let the world dream otherwise, 
            We wear the mask!

    Why should the world be over-wise, 

    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries 

Dunbar expresses the plight of the African American and the need to wear a mask. The mantra "twice as good to get half as much," is in fact a mask that Black Americans wear. Dunbar suggests that we wear the mask instead of crumbling to life's atrocities. We wear the mask to be strong when we want to be weak. The mask hides the baggy eyes of tiredness with 'grins and lies.' The "we" speaks of the collective consciousness of the black race. So does "twice as good," speak for the generational mindset of a people. The best option for someone wearing the mask is to be perceived on the superficial level. What you see is just a facade and not my real self. Likewise, "twice as good" is a mask to cover up what someone perceives they lack. I've noticed within myself that I, too, wear the mask to hide behind it and strive to be twice as good. But now my true self screams out, at what cost!? 

So now I will continue my journey to critically analyze myself and dismantle systems of institutional oppression. Yes, I know I have to be the best in any circumstance or environment. Yes, I will push myself to be smarter, faster, and stronger. But at what costs? The cost of limiting my effectiveness to reach the poor, the destitute, and the lame? The cost of wearing a mask to hide my true self, to hide who I really am, to keep up the appearance. As an avid church goer, I can sum up this blog by saying that it is no longer acceptable to have, maintain, or hold the "church-face." The "church face" is the phrase used in predominantly African American churches in which the lay member has the attitude of "I have it all together, everything is under control, everything is kosher, I'm enjoying Jesus, hallelu." Well, I don't have it all together, everything is not under control, everything is not kosher, but yet I am still enjoying Jesus, hallelu! 

Eugene Smith, M.A. 

This blog does not reflect the Peace Corps or the United States of America. 

NATANGWE - He Is To Be Praised

I shared this with my mentor and friend:

You were right. I have found a place where I am finally coming into my own. It is a time where I am coming into myself. A time where I am fully the person whom I am meant to be. It is as if God is saying to me, "Here, this is it." The long awaited promise land that He promised so long ago. And as I come into my own I realized a few things. First, I no longer have to be what other people ask or want me to be. Second, I can be who God has called me to can be. And finally, I am walking into my destiny through this experience in Africa.

To be an African American returning to Africa has been a trying, overwhelming, but yet an amazing experience. Last week my friend and colleague gave me the name Natangwe from the Oshiwambo traditional tribal name. I have an African name now. The name means "God is to be praised." This is in all actuality what I am purposed for and to do. My purpose is to praise Him, my longing is to serve Him, my hearts desire is to make His Name GREAT among the Nations!

God has really brought me to a place where all my needs are met! And I'm literally living out Psalm 91 - I'm in His Shadow! If I'm in His shadow then I must be walking in His will because you never have a shadow unless you have a figure blocking a source of light causing the shadow to form. Sometimes God is blocking things from hitting us when we stay in His will. I don't know what it is but it's a mighty good feeling to be in His will.

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God." (Hebrews 11:8-10 ESV)

- Eugene Smith, M.A.